Josh has had a little cold for the past week and yesterday he started playing with his ears a bit, so I decided to take him to see the doctor. She said that one year is borderline and the other is pretty red, so we are treating him for an ear infection. It seem like when Josh gets a cold it goes straight to his ears. This is the third ear infection he has had this winter season. But, the good news is that he isn't wheezing with these colds. That means that his lungs are healthy and I don't need to worry so much about him having asthma from getting RSV last winter. That was the worst. Josh had a hard time breathing and then we had to do the inhaler with the nebulizer thingy. So glad that is over with. That was very scary.
Josh has been screaming a lot more lately. I hope that it is just because he isn't feeling well. The screaming drives me crazy and I have a hard time being patient with Josh when he screams so much. He really needs to learn to talk. I am sure that he will still scream, but hopefully not as much.
I am feeling very blah tonight. I feel like I am at a crossroad - but I don't know why. I want to get healthier, but I am still not sure what is the best thing for me. Maybe I am just wasting time by trying to find "the best thing" and instead I should just pick something and do it. For some reason I feel like I have to find something that I will want to do forever. I am having a hard time just deciding to do something, even if it is for only a couple weeks or months. Maybe I am scared...scared that it will be hard...so out of fear I do nothing? What am I so afraid of? Success...failure? Am I really afraid to do something that is hard? I have done hard things before, I went on a mission - that was hard. I came home from my mission early because of illness - that was really really hard. But that was doing something for someone else, not myself. I was serving the Lord, maybe that is the difference. Am I really afraid of doing something hard for myself? Don't I deserve to be the happiest, healthiest me? Why do I feel like I don't deserve that? Why do I feel like by taking big steps towards that I would be letting down my family by taking me away from them, even just for an hour a day? Are these all just excuses because I am lazy? I don't think that I am lazy. I work hard in my home for my family...but I don't work hard on me. How can I get motivated? Do I need motivation...or do I just need to stop being afraid? Afraid to try...it's easier to just do nothing...but doing nothing has gotten me where I am...and that is not a good place. Maybe I need a shrink? Some how I need to get into my head that getting healthy can be hard, but I can do hard things...I CAN DO HARD THINGS!!! Easier said then done...I am afraid.
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